A Little Reminder

"Decide promptly, but never give any reasons. Your decisions may be right, but your reasons are sure to be wrong." ~ Lord Mansfield

Back in elementary school, I was part of a decently large, close group of friends. We had pretty much been in the same class since second grade, and the group consisted of me, 4 other girls, and maybe 8 or 9 guys. When fifth grade came around, our school zone did some redistricting, which would mean that when we left elementary school the next year, we would not all be going to the same middle school. Instead, me and about 5 of the guys would be headed to a different middle school, farther away, and statistically, much less successful. The area it was in, the teachers, the classes offered...all were adding up to a potentially horrible experience. Needless to say, I was pretty devastated.

There was, however, one redeeming aspect of this school, and that was that it was one of the only middle schools in the county that offered a magnet program. Now being in that program meant that you had a completely different experience than the rest of the school...options of gifted and talented classes, different scheduling, etc. So of course, I was going to be part of that program. There were five options of programs: Visual Arts, Performing Arts, Music, Mass Communications, and Computer Applications in Math and Science. I was pretty sure I wanted to do the Dance option under the Performing Arts program, and was ready to go and audition when I found out that all of the the guys, the only people I would know going to that school, were going to be heading toward the Mass Comm program. And so, at the last minute, I did something I would never do now, and followed everyone else.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I just knew that even if I hated everything else about the school, the people there, the classes....I would be able to see these guys for an hour and a half everyday, which at that time, was enough for me.

It turned out that I loved that program. I was really good at the computer programs and camera work, and was above par with my writing skills. Being ahead of a lot of the class with technical skills gave me even more options, and it ended up being me and few of the guys in a group that was allowed to wander around the school at the end of every day, unsupervised and basically just hanging out, to practice camera shots and put together a short video. At that point, I was sure I had made the right decision.

Then we got to the part of the program which focused on public speaking, and I seriously considered withdrawal. I was terrified of talking in front of groups, especially my peers. When I heard that each week we were to give a speech and have it taped to watch back and critique, I was then sure that I made the biggest mistake ever.

As it turned out, I was a wreck in front of the class, and for five consecutive weeks, I made a fool of myself in front of everyone....twice, because we had to rewatch it. My teacher thought he had the perfect solution: Put me on the Morning Show, reading the announcements to the school each day over the TVs. It was not an option.

But I surprised myself, and after the first couple of days of stumbling through announcements about club meeting cancellations and new activities trying to start up, I got the hang of it, and was actually, even kind of good at it. And the next week, I didn't get any butterflies when I stood up to give my speech to the class. I continued doing the announcements almost daily until the end of 8th grade, and went on to perform in one full length play and a musical before entering highschool.

I remembered all of this today when I was at the Newseum with my mom and brother. That was what started my interest in journalism and what made me want to pursue it as a career...at least until this past year when I sort of lost my passion for it. Today, combined with the special Brian Williams did on Obama two weeks ago, made me realize that a lot of that passion is still there, and is definitely something I should still consider to pursue.

Shifting Focus

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

The last time I talked to my ex was February 11, four months ago. In a few weeks, Tyler will be returning from New Zealand. He was there for the semester, decided on what I can only assume was a whim based on his current relationship. His relationship that is most likely going to become a marraige. This is after about a year of us being broken up...after dating for about 4 1/2 years.

I'm having some trouble accepting this, but the funny thing is, I don't want him back. I know that we met at a time when we were completely different people, and we could never again have a functioning relationship. Still, I can't help but miss what we used to have, and the friendship we could have had if things had worked out like we planned.

There are many reasons it ended, all adding up to the fact that we just weren't right for each other. From what I've heard, this new girl is exactly who he tried to turn me into, so maybe it is actually something that could work, despite all of the marriages, especially those started young and after a short time together, that do not.

He and I met when we were 15 and 16: he couldn't even drive yet. I could not have imagined then the twists and turns that we would face over the next few years, and even as we went through break after break, I would never have believed that anything would be able to keep us from forming that friendship we always promised ourselves we would keep if the relationship ever officially ended.

I'm still not sure exactly what it was that kept us from forming that friendship, but I now know that at this point, I don't even feel the need for it anymore. Mostly this is because if he could not keep that promise to me, then he is not the same person I once thought he was, and the person he became is not someone I want to keep in my life. I can say his name and not be bitter, I can look at pictures of us together and not cry, and I can carry on conversations with his friends without even mentioning him.

Sure, I still occasionally have nostalgic pangs, and the thought that maybe one day we will be able to get coffee together and talk about our lives, both past and present. But in the last months when we have had absolutely zero contact, I have come to realize it is not as important to me as it used to be, and it is not something that I feel the need to strive for.

Faking It

"The worst crime is faking it." ~ Kurt Cobain

While at work the other day when the weather was rainy and therefore we were extremely slow, one of our managers began to impersonate all the waitstaff as they behave at tables. He hilariously, and quite accurately, portrayed a number of people before he got to me. He looked at me for a second, then put on the cheesiest grin and started talking in a sickeningly sweet voice. He went with it for maybe 2 minutes, turned around, and contorted his face into an angry scrunch before storming off, and I laughed so hard I almost cried. He nailed it.

I pride myself on being ridiculously honest and truthful. I hate fakeness, two-facedness, and lying. I'll add hypocritical to that list, but in doing so, I am really just being even more hypocritical myself. How can I continue to denounce these characteristics when everyday at work I am the perfect embodiment of all that I hate?

Then I think about it again, and I suppose, there are circumstances where it may just be better to hold your tongue. For example, when my table of 10 takes turns each individually asking me which sides we have, and I go through the entire list 10 times, rather than asking them if they can read what is right in front of their faces. Or when a lady orders enchiladas, only to realize once they come out that what she really wanted was a quesadilla and I should have magically known that she doesn't know the differences of Tex-Mex food. Now had she asked, I could have gone on for about 5 minutes about the differences, but the thing is, SHE DIDN'T. Those are times when I wish I could just forget about "the customer is always right" policy and talk back to them, sass them the way they do me because they assume I am uneducated and incompetant.

Lucky for those people, I can grin and bear it...unlike some other servers. If you are unsure about what I am saying here, please take some time to watch Waiting, as it is scarily accurate.