More Graduation Contemplation

“We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.” ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

I know people who say that they live without regrets. I don't buy it. I understand that you have learned and grown from every experience you've had and that those are what made you the person you are today...etc., and I definitely think that has validity. However I cannot believe that, given the chance or the choice, all of these people would not change ONE thing, however minor it is, and go back and do it differently. Whether it is as insignificant as going out one night instead of working on a paper (or vice versa) or calling someone just to say hi, or as life changing as walking away from a relationship. I would put money that every single person, even those "live with no regrets" people, would find something.

I am not one of those people. I have regrets. I have plenty of them. They range from having to do with not saying something I said, to apologizing to people more often. From getting out of a relationship sooner and not letting it change me, to one night stands I wish had never happened. And aside from having spent more time with my dad and getting to know even more of his stories before he died, there is only one other regret that bothers me on a daily basis.

Every time I go to New York, I feel with even more intensity that when I needed to make the biggest decision of my life, I chose wrong. When it came down to NYU or UMD, I should have forgotten about the price, the distance, the then boyfriend, and went with what I had wanted since I was 11. Obviously, I chose UMD. And I'm afraid I will always be mad at myself for that choice. [Not only that, but I am now positive that I belong in Manhattan. I love the constant go, go, go, the noisy nights, the people, even the gritty atmosphere. I WILL live there one day.]

As I am preparing to graduate in *22* days, I cannot help but think of how different my life could be right now. I wouldn't have wasted my first two and a half years in college fighting for a relationship that had long ago gone sour and which changed me in ways I am still working to reverse. I wouldn't have lost one-time friends, or potential friends, and I certainly would not have spent all that time working rather than going out.

I suppose this is a time in which it is obligatory to evaluate my life - call it a "quarter life crisis" if you will, as has become popular...almost everyone I know has a weekly anxiety attack about graduating into this economy with so few job options, having to pay off debt, and generally just feeling lost. In some ways, we are lucky. When people ask "what are you doing after graduation" it's now socially acceptable to say "I have no idea" and just blame it on the recession. We have more choices and options then ever, and moving back home to live rent-free is not frowned upon.

I still fit into that category. I have so many options, I don't know what to do. And I'm even more scared that I will make the wrong decision...again.

GRAH

ARG!!! I NEED TO MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY!!!

(more to come at some point in the near future)

Unfinished Manuscripts

“I don't want to live. I want to love first, and live incidentally.” ~ Zelda Fitzgerald

I am a hopeless romantic with, I am learning, emphasis on the 'hopeless' part. I want my life to be like the movies.

Even at this time when the divorce rate is high and people are questioning marriage as an institution, I still believe in it. I don't think that every person has one person they were meant to end up with, but I do believe that if two people want it enough and work at it, and do not look at divorce as an option, then it is absolutely doable.

Now I don't want to get married for at least 5 or 10 years. I'm not one of those girls who goes bouncing from one relationship to another, and I am completely capable of independence and being on my own. I do not need to be in a relationship to be happy.

However, I do think that romance enhances life. Having someone to share every experience with, good or bad, makes life seem more real, and helps you better deal with difficult situations. Besides, there is something to be said for having someone there to always make you feel special and wanted.

So the other day I was giddy about a certain boy when friend of a friend, who I have met quite a few times, overheard me talking about said boy and asked if I was one of those girls who goes 'boy crazy.' I'm not. In fact, its very rare for me to get to that giddy stage, but once I'm there, I'm completely enthralled. I'm talking, cue the string quartet, the fireworks, the sappy love notes, long drawn out kisses....at least in my head.

I think I do a pretty good job of covering up this pathetic tendency, or at least I try to, so as not to come off as nuts. But despite that, I build up these ideas and set myself up for a let down. That guy, the one that made me giddy just last week...moved onto someone else, putting an end to my script that had barely made it past the first few pages. But while he has called it a wrap, in my mind, the story is still going, having the potential to come back around again, continuing to form even more unrealistic expectations. And so, the trend continues...when what I really want, is just this:

My Proposal for a Better Society

"I don't love comedy but I can watch someone who's kind of interesting forever. I think a waitress who's having a bad day is a lot more fun than Robin Williams doing forty minutes of material." ~ Bruce McCulloch

I propose that a bill be passed that requires everyone to work in the service industry for at least 3 months.

Seriously, some people need reality checks. I am a waitress/bartender, but apparently to much of the population, that job title might as well say "general slave to society." There is nothing that drives me crazier than having a table where no matter how nice I am, how big of a fake smile I put on, how quickly I get them every drink refill/extra napkin/beer when the bartender is 8 tickets in the weeds...and I still get an attitude, and worst of all, a shitty tip. (I will side note here and say a shitty tip is less than 15%. For great service, 20% or above is customary. And we get taxed on at least 10%, so anything less than that is just fucking rude, and in that case, go find a Taco Bell, asshole.)

I know people have websites dedicated to the woes of those working in the restaurant industry, hell I even read the very accurate, if poorly written, Waiter's Rant. But after the day I have had, I need to reiterate that it is not your server's fault when the kitchen goes down. It is also not his or her fault when the kitchen messes up, or is out of something....say, chips. And yes, that is still true when it is a Mexican restaurant. (Most of us) are paying very good attention to you, and we notice when the food is taking awhile. If you look around and see that it is not just your table, it is likely we are also flipping out because none of our tables are eating. That is usually a clue that the kitchen has crashed. And in that case, we are as helpless as you.

It's understandable if you get upset that you cannot order your favorite item. But do not blame the server, especially if they try to be as accommodating as possible. So, if, god forbid, the restaurant run out of steak, or hamburgers, jalapenos, portabellos, sweet potatoes, corn, or even fries, try to at least be understanding. We were not the ones who placed the restaurant's orders for food that week.

I will probably write again about things to not do in a restaurant. But now, I just want people to try to be understanding. Most of us working in the restaurant business are working through school, or working it as a supplemental job to an additional 9-5 gig. We are people, too.

Also, the chips would have be free anyway. Not receiving them does not in anyway signify that the end of the world is upon us. Breathe.

An Absence Not Unnoticed

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." ~ Clarence Budington Kelland

I'm scared of graduating.

Not because I have no idea what I will be doing with the rest of my life, not because I will have to actually become a real person, not because I'm leaving college. I'm not scared of what's happening afterward, that's the part I can't wait for.

I'm scared of the actual graduation day.

I'll be the first one in my family to complete a BA, and I will actually have two, both completed in four years with an additional minor. My mother is ecstatic and wants to make a big deal of it. Party, dinner, drinks...anything. Which makes me feel horrible about now debating whether or not I even want to attend the ceremony. I'm not sure I have the heart to tell her so.

It will be the first big family event my dad wont be there for. It is the start of a trend I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Day to day is still hard enough, but milestones....I can't even begin to imagine coping with those. And now, as May 21 creeps closer, the reality is that I'm going to have to figure it out, somehow.

It sucks even more because the one thing he wanted to make sure of was that both my brother and I finished college. It was ingrained in us as we grew up, and we never even had a second thought about what to do after high school because really, we didn't have a choice. It was also the reason I refused to take time off from school after his death.

I guess it would be easier if I had figured out my thoughts about afterlife, death and religion, but unfortunately those for me are still undetermined...and by that, I mean I have no belief in any of the three.

At the very least, I don't have to worry about what I will be putting on the top of my cap.


I love and miss you dad, more than I know how to say.