An Absence Not Unnoticed

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." ~ Clarence Budington Kelland

I'm scared of graduating.

Not because I have no idea what I will be doing with the rest of my life, not because I will have to actually become a real person, not because I'm leaving college. I'm not scared of what's happening afterward, that's the part I can't wait for.

I'm scared of the actual graduation day.

I'll be the first one in my family to complete a BA, and I will actually have two, both completed in four years with an additional minor. My mother is ecstatic and wants to make a big deal of it. Party, dinner, drinks...anything. Which makes me feel horrible about now debating whether or not I even want to attend the ceremony. I'm not sure I have the heart to tell her so.

It will be the first big family event my dad wont be there for. It is the start of a trend I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Day to day is still hard enough, but milestones....I can't even begin to imagine coping with those. And now, as May 21 creeps closer, the reality is that I'm going to have to figure it out, somehow.

It sucks even more because the one thing he wanted to make sure of was that both my brother and I finished college. It was ingrained in us as we grew up, and we never even had a second thought about what to do after high school because really, we didn't have a choice. It was also the reason I refused to take time off from school after his death.

I guess it would be easier if I had figured out my thoughts about afterlife, death and religion, but unfortunately those for me are still undetermined...and by that, I mean I have no belief in any of the three.

At the very least, I don't have to worry about what I will be putting on the top of my cap.


I love and miss you dad, more than I know how to say.