Maybe writing this all down will help me sleep......

I was working the bar today, an unusual thing for me to do on a Tuesday. We were pretty slow but the few guests I had were intently watching the Michael Jackson tribute on TV, so I was able to catch most of it, since there was nothing else really to do. For the most part, I felt it was pretty tasteful even though it reminded me more more of an awards show with a somber undertone, but it didn't move me at all. That is, until the end when his daughter took the mic. Then, like most viewers, I started to cry. But unlike many others, I couldn't stop. I lost it. It put me right back to my own dad's funeral almost two years ago (which I still can't believe), when I was standing on stage doing the exact same thing, though for the life of me I cannot even remember what it was that I said. This all got me thinking a bit, surprise, surprise.

While it's never a "good" time to lose someone close to you, I think there are times when it is "better" or "easier" than others. In regards to losing a parent, there is a range in which I believe it is most difficult, and that is from around 8 til about 30. I'm not saying this is a rule, and I don't mean for it to diminish what other people have gone through, but based on a few conversations and my observations, I think this is generally true.

Before that age, there is little that you remember as you go on in life. Most first memories are at or after age 5, and the general memories after that for a few years are usually just vague. Now that introduces other issues when a parent is lost this early in life, such as dealing with the fact that you never really got to know them, but for what I'm talking about, the coping, it's a little easier because most of life as you will remember it will be without them.

Then there's the time after 28. For the most part, at or around this age, people have found themselves. They generally have an idea of what they will be doing with their life, and they have established who they are. Their parents, for the most part, know them and know who they will be and what they will accomplish, even if only in the general sense.

But for anyone I know who has lost a parent in the in between ages, it has not been so clear-cut. True, they got time with their mom or dad and were able to share experiences that they will always remember, but there are so many unanswered questions that forever linger.

It's that time, a crossroads, when a life can go in any direction. You haven't really established who you are or what you will do with your life. You are still learning and being shaped greatly by the experiences you face. Much of the time you have not yet finished school, met your spouse, had children, figured out a career.... and their death before all of this has been figured out is what pains you on a daily basis.

My dad didn't get to see me be the first in my family to graduate from college. He didn't get to find out that I realized my true passion was not journalism, but traveling, and that I hope to spend much of the rest of my time visiting different countries and not reporting on local crime. He will never have met or approved of my future husband, and will not be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me to "Butterfly Kisses." My kids will never have met their grandfather or gotten the chance to hear the stories that he was so good at telling. And today, I was reminded of all of this.

A Little Reminder

"Decide promptly, but never give any reasons. Your decisions may be right, but your reasons are sure to be wrong." ~ Lord Mansfield

Back in elementary school, I was part of a decently large, close group of friends. We had pretty much been in the same class since second grade, and the group consisted of me, 4 other girls, and maybe 8 or 9 guys. When fifth grade came around, our school zone did some redistricting, which would mean that when we left elementary school the next year, we would not all be going to the same middle school. Instead, me and about 5 of the guys would be headed to a different middle school, farther away, and statistically, much less successful. The area it was in, the teachers, the classes offered...all were adding up to a potentially horrible experience. Needless to say, I was pretty devastated.

There was, however, one redeeming aspect of this school, and that was that it was one of the only middle schools in the county that offered a magnet program. Now being in that program meant that you had a completely different experience than the rest of the school...options of gifted and talented classes, different scheduling, etc. So of course, I was going to be part of that program. There were five options of programs: Visual Arts, Performing Arts, Music, Mass Communications, and Computer Applications in Math and Science. I was pretty sure I wanted to do the Dance option under the Performing Arts program, and was ready to go and audition when I found out that all of the the guys, the only people I would know going to that school, were going to be heading toward the Mass Comm program. And so, at the last minute, I did something I would never do now, and followed everyone else.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I just knew that even if I hated everything else about the school, the people there, the classes....I would be able to see these guys for an hour and a half everyday, which at that time, was enough for me.

It turned out that I loved that program. I was really good at the computer programs and camera work, and was above par with my writing skills. Being ahead of a lot of the class with technical skills gave me even more options, and it ended up being me and few of the guys in a group that was allowed to wander around the school at the end of every day, unsupervised and basically just hanging out, to practice camera shots and put together a short video. At that point, I was sure I had made the right decision.

Then we got to the part of the program which focused on public speaking, and I seriously considered withdrawal. I was terrified of talking in front of groups, especially my peers. When I heard that each week we were to give a speech and have it taped to watch back and critique, I was then sure that I made the biggest mistake ever.

As it turned out, I was a wreck in front of the class, and for five consecutive weeks, I made a fool of myself in front of everyone....twice, because we had to rewatch it. My teacher thought he had the perfect solution: Put me on the Morning Show, reading the announcements to the school each day over the TVs. It was not an option.

But I surprised myself, and after the first couple of days of stumbling through announcements about club meeting cancellations and new activities trying to start up, I got the hang of it, and was actually, even kind of good at it. And the next week, I didn't get any butterflies when I stood up to give my speech to the class. I continued doing the announcements almost daily until the end of 8th grade, and went on to perform in one full length play and a musical before entering highschool.

I remembered all of this today when I was at the Newseum with my mom and brother. That was what started my interest in journalism and what made me want to pursue it as a career...at least until this past year when I sort of lost my passion for it. Today, combined with the special Brian Williams did on Obama two weeks ago, made me realize that a lot of that passion is still there, and is definitely something I should still consider to pursue.

Shifting Focus

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

The last time I talked to my ex was February 11, four months ago. In a few weeks, Tyler will be returning from New Zealand. He was there for the semester, decided on what I can only assume was a whim based on his current relationship. His relationship that is most likely going to become a marraige. This is after about a year of us being broken up...after dating for about 4 1/2 years.

I'm having some trouble accepting this, but the funny thing is, I don't want him back. I know that we met at a time when we were completely different people, and we could never again have a functioning relationship. Still, I can't help but miss what we used to have, and the friendship we could have had if things had worked out like we planned.

There are many reasons it ended, all adding up to the fact that we just weren't right for each other. From what I've heard, this new girl is exactly who he tried to turn me into, so maybe it is actually something that could work, despite all of the marriages, especially those started young and after a short time together, that do not.

He and I met when we were 15 and 16: he couldn't even drive yet. I could not have imagined then the twists and turns that we would face over the next few years, and even as we went through break after break, I would never have believed that anything would be able to keep us from forming that friendship we always promised ourselves we would keep if the relationship ever officially ended.

I'm still not sure exactly what it was that kept us from forming that friendship, but I now know that at this point, I don't even feel the need for it anymore. Mostly this is because if he could not keep that promise to me, then he is not the same person I once thought he was, and the person he became is not someone I want to keep in my life. I can say his name and not be bitter, I can look at pictures of us together and not cry, and I can carry on conversations with his friends without even mentioning him.

Sure, I still occasionally have nostalgic pangs, and the thought that maybe one day we will be able to get coffee together and talk about our lives, both past and present. But in the last months when we have had absolutely zero contact, I have come to realize it is not as important to me as it used to be, and it is not something that I feel the need to strive for.

Faking It

"The worst crime is faking it." ~ Kurt Cobain

While at work the other day when the weather was rainy and therefore we were extremely slow, one of our managers began to impersonate all the waitstaff as they behave at tables. He hilariously, and quite accurately, portrayed a number of people before he got to me. He looked at me for a second, then put on the cheesiest grin and started talking in a sickeningly sweet voice. He went with it for maybe 2 minutes, turned around, and contorted his face into an angry scrunch before storming off, and I laughed so hard I almost cried. He nailed it.

I pride myself on being ridiculously honest and truthful. I hate fakeness, two-facedness, and lying. I'll add hypocritical to that list, but in doing so, I am really just being even more hypocritical myself. How can I continue to denounce these characteristics when everyday at work I am the perfect embodiment of all that I hate?

Then I think about it again, and I suppose, there are circumstances where it may just be better to hold your tongue. For example, when my table of 10 takes turns each individually asking me which sides we have, and I go through the entire list 10 times, rather than asking them if they can read what is right in front of their faces. Or when a lady orders enchiladas, only to realize once they come out that what she really wanted was a quesadilla and I should have magically known that she doesn't know the differences of Tex-Mex food. Now had she asked, I could have gone on for about 5 minutes about the differences, but the thing is, SHE DIDN'T. Those are times when I wish I could just forget about "the customer is always right" policy and talk back to them, sass them the way they do me because they assume I am uneducated and incompetant.

Lucky for those people, I can grin and bear it...unlike some other servers. If you are unsure about what I am saying here, please take some time to watch Waiting, as it is scarily accurate.

Can I Keep The Secret?

"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude toward us." ~ John N. Mitchell

I think I first heard about it on a preview for an Oprah episode. Then again from one of my friends in Spain, who kept saying she needed to show me the video, but we never got around to it. Then the other day during my break at work, when we were all sitting around table 28, one of my coworkers was reading the book, actually, finishing the book, which sparked a conversation about this secret, or rather, The Secret. And so, I decided to borrow the book and see exactly what it was all about.

If you haven't yet heard about it, The Secret is the belief that your thoughts become your life, and so if you think about what you want, it will manifest into reality. There are some rules to it, but essentially, it can be summarized with the law of attraction, which says that "like attracts like, so when you think a thought you are also attracting like thoughts to you" and that those thoughts create your future life.

It seems simple. Almost too simple. And there are parts of the book which address this tendency of disbelief. You see, the catch is that all of the thoughts have to be positive. If you think about the negative, those thoughts consume you and become your focus, and then those thoughts become your life. "The only reason why people do not have what they want is because they are thinking more about what they don't want than what they do want."

So really, with The Secret, you get two choices: 1. You can think it is absolutely ridiculous, and then you are thinking those negative thoughts and probably still not getting what you want or 2. You can force yourself to believe that you believe in The Secret, essentially eliminating all of those negative thoughts. If you eliminate those thoughts, you automatically are forced to think that you are getting what you want, or you're right back to thinking those negative thoughts and hence not following the rules of The Secret.

And so it seems that what they have done here is create a no-lose situation for The Secret. I'm not really sure if it's real or if it's just tactful brainwashing, but in saying that, I guess I'm just feeding into my negative thoughts.

Thank You, Murphy.

"When things go wrong, you'll find they usually go on getting worse for some time; but when things once start going right, they often go on getting better and better."~ C.S. Lewis

I'm currently in the middle of finals week.

My computer broke Monday night.

It was a tablet, and for a while now it has seemed as though the screen was about to fall right off the base. Surprisingly, that was not what brought its demise...my power cord stopped charging. So I guess technically, I may be able to squeeze out a little more oompf from it. Right now though, I don't have the time or energy to focus on such silly things as that, hence me now writing a post from the library at midnight when I have an 8am exam in the morning.

But there is actually good reason for me to be writing this as opposed to reading political journals about minority politics. I've actually been decently productive thus far, and the only thing that has halted that productivity is that Blackboard, the university's website for all things studious, has crashed.

Yup. We are given ONE day to study for EVERY exam, (which is actually not an issue for me this semester but never the less, still a source of irritation for me), and the site which has ALL of the information we need is not working.

I would not expect anything else from this great university.

Cheers to it being my last week.

More Graduation Contemplation

“We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.” ~ Lucy Maud Montgomery

I know people who say that they live without regrets. I don't buy it. I understand that you have learned and grown from every experience you've had and that those are what made you the person you are today...etc., and I definitely think that has validity. However I cannot believe that, given the chance or the choice, all of these people would not change ONE thing, however minor it is, and go back and do it differently. Whether it is as insignificant as going out one night instead of working on a paper (or vice versa) or calling someone just to say hi, or as life changing as walking away from a relationship. I would put money that every single person, even those "live with no regrets" people, would find something.

I am not one of those people. I have regrets. I have plenty of them. They range from having to do with not saying something I said, to apologizing to people more often. From getting out of a relationship sooner and not letting it change me, to one night stands I wish had never happened. And aside from having spent more time with my dad and getting to know even more of his stories before he died, there is only one other regret that bothers me on a daily basis.

Every time I go to New York, I feel with even more intensity that when I needed to make the biggest decision of my life, I chose wrong. When it came down to NYU or UMD, I should have forgotten about the price, the distance, the then boyfriend, and went with what I had wanted since I was 11. Obviously, I chose UMD. And I'm afraid I will always be mad at myself for that choice. [Not only that, but I am now positive that I belong in Manhattan. I love the constant go, go, go, the noisy nights, the people, even the gritty atmosphere. I WILL live there one day.]

As I am preparing to graduate in *22* days, I cannot help but think of how different my life could be right now. I wouldn't have wasted my first two and a half years in college fighting for a relationship that had long ago gone sour and which changed me in ways I am still working to reverse. I wouldn't have lost one-time friends, or potential friends, and I certainly would not have spent all that time working rather than going out.

I suppose this is a time in which it is obligatory to evaluate my life - call it a "quarter life crisis" if you will, as has become popular...almost everyone I know has a weekly anxiety attack about graduating into this economy with so few job options, having to pay off debt, and generally just feeling lost. In some ways, we are lucky. When people ask "what are you doing after graduation" it's now socially acceptable to say "I have no idea" and just blame it on the recession. We have more choices and options then ever, and moving back home to live rent-free is not frowned upon.

I still fit into that category. I have so many options, I don't know what to do. And I'm even more scared that I will make the wrong decision...again.

GRAH

ARG!!! I NEED TO MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY!!!

(more to come at some point in the near future)