Shifting Focus

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

The last time I talked to my ex was February 11, four months ago. In a few weeks, Tyler will be returning from New Zealand. He was there for the semester, decided on what I can only assume was a whim based on his current relationship. His relationship that is most likely going to become a marraige. This is after about a year of us being broken up...after dating for about 4 1/2 years.

I'm having some trouble accepting this, but the funny thing is, I don't want him back. I know that we met at a time when we were completely different people, and we could never again have a functioning relationship. Still, I can't help but miss what we used to have, and the friendship we could have had if things had worked out like we planned.

There are many reasons it ended, all adding up to the fact that we just weren't right for each other. From what I've heard, this new girl is exactly who he tried to turn me into, so maybe it is actually something that could work, despite all of the marriages, especially those started young and after a short time together, that do not.

He and I met when we were 15 and 16: he couldn't even drive yet. I could not have imagined then the twists and turns that we would face over the next few years, and even as we went through break after break, I would never have believed that anything would be able to keep us from forming that friendship we always promised ourselves we would keep if the relationship ever officially ended.

I'm still not sure exactly what it was that kept us from forming that friendship, but I now know that at this point, I don't even feel the need for it anymore. Mostly this is because if he could not keep that promise to me, then he is not the same person I once thought he was, and the person he became is not someone I want to keep in my life. I can say his name and not be bitter, I can look at pictures of us together and not cry, and I can carry on conversations with his friends without even mentioning him.

Sure, I still occasionally have nostalgic pangs, and the thought that maybe one day we will be able to get coffee together and talk about our lives, both past and present. But in the last months when we have had absolutely zero contact, I have come to realize it is not as important to me as it used to be, and it is not something that I feel the need to strive for.